A songer. I know there's no such word in the English dictionary but that's what I am. I can sing and I can carry a tune. I'm not one of those people who say they can't sing but when they do, they sound like Celine Dion! C'mon now, that's just too much modesty, if there's even such a thing? The reason why I say I'm a songer, not a singer is because singing has never been a "life-altering" experience for me. Unlike most singers I know, they live and breathe singing. But not for me, I don't really enjoy it very much. I feel so nervous everytime I have to sing that I'm scared I might faint. I don't have the confidence of a real singer.
I want to tell you a secret but after this blog I'm afraid it won't be a secret anymore. When my husband and I sing sometimes at church, he has to begin the song because I always mess up the intro. Always. That's one of my weaknesses in singing. And also, someone (I forgot who it was) told me when I was in grade school that I am tone deaf. What does that even mean? Somehow that comment stuck with me, and as you can imagine, it doesn't help with my singing at all.
Yet despite all that, I do sing. And I only sing for the Lord. And oh, very rarely, I also sing in private karaoke parties with some Filipino friends. I do have a song in me although I won't belt it out. And I sing in the shower all the time. If ever I have to call myself a singer, it has to be the shower singer. I also understand that this talent was given to me for a reason. That I should not waste it or else it might be taken away from me. I do know that God delights in my singing not because I have a great voice but because of the One I have in my heart Who causes me to sing back to Him.
"The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him." -Exodus 15:2
When I used to lead worship in my hometown church in Tacloban, I remember always being so nervous even two days before Sunday. I don't even know what I'm nervous for because in my mind I tell myself I don't care if I mess up since it's not about me. I keep telling myself that there's nothing "disastrous" that can happen to me even if my voice crack, even if I mess up the song, or lose my timing, none of that matters because I'm not performing for people, I'm singing for God alone. (Though it would also be nice if I can bless others with my song.) But the clammy hands, pounding heart, and weak knees are always there with me everytime prior to singing. Maybe it's because God wants to show me that without Him I can't do anything at all. Maybe I am so scared because I know that God can take away my voice if He wants to, anytime. Yet He always see me through each time. The very moment I open my mouth and sing the first word, all the nervousness fade away slowly. It's as if He's telling me, "good job, my faithful servant."
"That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God." -Colossians 1:10
And that's all I need from Him for me to continue singing.
And here's a little fact I just found out. There is actually a word songer and it's French. It means to daydream or to meditate. How fitting! Since everytime I sing I feel like I'm meditating on the great and wonderful things the Lord has done for me all my life. And I worship and thank Him not just for those great things He has done for me but especially because He deserves to be praised for who He is.